Author’s Note: It’s the first Wednesday of the new month, so that means it’s time for another episode of (*deep voice*) INSECURE WRITERS’ SUPPORT GROUP!
It’s been a few weeks since I’ve given an update on what’s been going on with my Work-in-Progress, so here goes.
Nada. Zippo. Zilch. Squat. A big, fat nuthin’.
And I’m feeling pretty meh about it.
When I finished the first draft during the marathon sprint that was NaNoWriMo, I prepared myself for what I felt was going to be an inevitability come editing/second draft time: me becoming hypercritical of what I’d written. And by “hypercritical,” I mean that internal voice going absolutely insane, yelling at me at all hours of the day and night that what I’d written was pure shit, and why the hell was I even bothering to write such drivel, and you’ll never finish this novel, so give it up.
Except that voice never came, but I did end up not liking the first draft at all. Strange, because I was all elated about finishing the first draft.
What I read, to be honest, really didn’t floor me. I felt like I was holding back. I think part of my holding back was the rigid timeline imposed by NaNoWriMo; I had to put together a foundation of a story, more than anything, rather than explore the themes I’m wanting to explore. You’ve no doubt read my “Should a Debut Novel ‘Play it Safe?’” blog (and if you haven’t, then read it now – all of WordPress already has!), in which I extol the virtues of writers taking risks with their work, even at the expense of not being traditionally published. I need to hold myself to what I wrote. Talk the talk, walk the walk.
I’m also well aware that I’m cycling. Being bipolar means being painfully aware of your moods swinging. Thankfully, my moods don’t swing wildly like they once did, but I’m aware that I’m feeling more down than usual. Perhaps it’s seasonal, and there’s a precedent for me when it comes to seasonal moods and my writing. I know once spring comes, I’m in a better mood – more hypomanic, even – and therefore I’m in a better frame of mind when it comes to writing. All I’ll want to do is write when I’m up, up, up. Right now, when I’m feeling a little more down – but not quite depressed – all I want to do is edit.
But I’m resisting the urge to edit. There’s a good story there; it just needs to be expanded. So if there are some rewrites needed, I’m doing so. What I’m not doing is banging my head on the desk. What I’m also not doing is pushing myself. Maybe it’s a lack of urgency – again, I’m cycling – so maybe once spring comes, the words and the story will come flying out of me again. In the meantime, I’m still feeling meh.
This is exactly how I felt when I realized, 300+ pages in, that a novel about a soccer player that moonlights as a anti-fascist assassin, was a terrible fucking idea and an even worse waste of time…
Actually, I need to stop saying I feel meh. What I’m not doing is beating myself up over my lack of progress. There’s a box sitting in my garage. In that box are pages upon pages of failed manuscripts, stories started and never finished. They’re reminders of my lack of confidence, and I keep those stories in that box for just that reason, to remind me. What I started writing last March, which I completed in first draft last November, is something I’m damned proud of. It’s not perfect, and it needs a lot of work, and I don’t want to play it safe by any means, but it’ll get done. But it’ll also get done on my terms. So what if I really haven’t written much worth being happy about? I’ve given myself the permission to not rake myself over the coals. It’s said a writer should write every day. Okay, maybe I’m not writing my novel every day like I should, but I’m not going to give myself shit for not doing so. I’m getting there. I’m getting there on my own terms. So there. No bullshit about not seeing the light about the end of the tunnel. Fuck that. When that novel’s finally finished, edited, ready for publishing, it’ll be the culmination of me both sweating the details and yet giving myself the freedom to not give a fuck when possible. Refreshing, to say the least.
In addition, I am seeing the light regarding my first foray into self-publishing, the Out Where the Buses Don’t Run blog anthology. I’ve gotten it all prettied up and edited and nicely formatted – some of the blogs have been slightly re-written, no shame in that – so it’s a matter of choosing the right self-publishing medium. It looks like I’ll be going with CreateSpace Publishing (the one owned by Amazon) to publish my anthology. They’re offering the biggest bang for my buck, and exactly the right amount of marketing and promotion I’m looking for. Plus, the publishing associates I’ve been speaking with have been very helpful and friendly.
By the way, if you’ve gone the self-publishing route, I’d love to have your feedback and advice on your experiences. Who did you go with? How was the experience? You can comment below, or click on the “Contact Me” section, and I’d love to chat with you some more and pick your brain.
On the flip side, I’ve been pretty elated about the attention my blog’s been getting thanks to my “Should a Debut Novel ‘Play it Safe?’” blog earning Freshly Pressed status. For me, it’s been exactly the kind of exposure and validation I’ve been looking for since I decided to expand upon my blog’s ambition and build my growing author’s platform. To have more than doubled my subscribers has been a real thrill for me, and I’ve found some new blogs to follow, to boot. So thank you, Freshly Pressed, and thank you, new readers, for finding me. Stick around, there’s more fun and ranting yet to come.
I’ll leave you with this classic from Talking Heads, maybe my favorite track of theirs. Lyrically, it makes a lot of damned sense to me. Musically, it makes me want to boogie. Groove to this one up until the 1:30 mark, then turn it up and dance wildly. Do it.
Great post. I think it’s good to air feelings about confidence out from time to time. Ironically, I blogged about something kinda similar today, maybe it’s a February thing. Either way, from a writer’s perspective, I appreciate hearing how other writers work through these issues, so thanks for sharing.
There’s definitely something in the weather. Maybe it’s something to do with being letdown over the whole Mayan end-of-the-world prophecy thing not panning out like we’d hoped. I dunno. At any rate, it’s definitely a seasonal thing.
Good point. If I still lived in Seattle I don’t think I’d ever start editing in winter. Here in SF, it’s about as sunny and bright as it gets. So maybe that’s keeping me a little sane.
You’d think it’d be a snap here in North Carolina, but the weather’s been so unbelievably schizophrenic, it’s outright depressing. One day, it’s a balmy 75 degrees, the next day, it’s 40 with wind chills in the upper 20s. And we’ve had more rain this winter than ever before.
I never thought I’d say this, but I may need to relocate to someplace in the Caribbean, just to re-energize myself. Or not.
Hey, Gus, I’ve been blogging a lot lately about editing and staying sane through the process (though sounds like you may be saner than I am about it; too much time working on my own prose tends to depress the hell out of me). Wander around ninjalibrarian.com if you want to see what I’m doing.
I published The Ninja Librarian through Create Space (and also Kindle Direct, B&N’s PubIt for the Nook and then Smashwords, which could have saved me one set of formatting if I’d found it first), so drop me a note if you want to ask about it. I had a pretty easy time with them.
I’ve been reading your editing posts. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who’s been pulling their hair over this.
I’ll pester you some more here in the near future about your time with CreateSpace. Thanks for offering.
Since ive never had the confidence to go self-publishing im really curious how you progress with it. Wishing you all the best of luck. And luck aside another great entry.
This is my first foray into self-publishing, so I’m equally as excited and terrified about the prospect of it all. I’ll likely blog about my experiences with it in the coming future.
I’ve had a similar kind of January and have so far managed to rewrite a whole one chapter. I always say January is the worst month of the year: it’s cold, dark and not Christmas and getting out of bed in the morning is a little bit harder than usual. I hope February is a little more productive for you, everyone has the right to feel a bit “meh” sometimes. I’m looking forward to reading your novel when it’s finally in print!
Exactly. I’m not punishing myself for feeling meh. If I don’t feel like writing, no big deal.
Not exactly the words you want to hear, but it’s good knowing you’re having similar emotions. That’s comforting, in a strange way.
Guster -
I understand the lows and the highs…sort of feeling in a meh mood myself. Meh mood myself. Meh. Mood. Myself. Mike’s Meh Mood. Sorry…got off on some “M” thing for a minute.
My ms is … rough. I’ve been looking at it and, while I like it, there’s a lot of work ahead to make it pass the Mike Muster. Another alliterative M phrase. What’s with that?
Hell…I’ve been up since 4:00…forgive me if I ramble.
Have I ever told you how much alliterations annoy me?
Carry on, brother.Your ramble’s always good here.
Oh…I reblogged your FP status. It went to my new blog, and since I only have like, five followers over here, I cut and pasted at my old one, too. Wrote up a better intro over there. Even sounds like I actually like you.
I’ve reached the phase in my current WIP where I’ve invested a lot in it but am starting to have second thoughts on whether it’s a good premise or not. This happens. I think we get a little bored with our work. But I’m plodding on nonetheless, because I had good faith in it once, and I know I will again. If not, I’d never have any finished product.
Great post.
I’m worried I might be a bit bored with my WIP. I’m more worried that I’m bored with it, and I’m denial about it. At any rate, it’s okay if I’m bored; it’s still something I’m focused on, even if my focus isn’t as laser-like as I’d hoped for.
Congratulations on the Freshly Pressed status! When stuff like that happens, good things follow.
I don’t push myself either. I’m working on my publisher’s revisions for my third book, but after that, I’ve decided to put writing on hold for a few months. If something hits, great, and if not, I’m all right with that.
Thanks, Alex. The influx of new readership has been just great for me.
And thanks again for IWSG!
Hi Gus!
I’m currently looking into the self-publishing platforms available and currently my research is showing the Smashwords is the best for eBook publishing. Create Space with Amazon, from what I’ve read, sound the best for paper books, but if you are thinking eBook, I would check out Smashwords
I’m doing book format first, hence me going with CreateSpace. I’m also looking at either Smashwords or Kindle Singles for eBook, although I may be leaning towards Kindle Singles for now. But thanks for the recommendation!
You know what you should do Gus?
Pull out a new blank sheet of paper and start again!
completely kidding!
And you do write every day. I am sure you write either a blog entry, a short story that you never finish, or an insulting corporate email. Oh wait, we aren’t talking about me, are we?
I’m glad you aren’t putting too much pressure on yourself. After all, you don’t want your ms to sound like it was written under pressure.
Another cliche to throw out: Pressure creates diamonds.
I think pressure makes for very angry, stressed out writers that end up hating their own work! At least that’s how a lot of my college papers ended up. Probably shouldn’t have waited until the last minute though…
I do write every day. What I rebel against is the cliche that when you write every day, you’re only supposed to write your novel. Yeah, sure. Like I got the time.
Funny enough, I work best under pressure. The best college papers I wrote, I wrote them under the worst of pressure. When NaNoWriMo was ticking down, and there were 5 days remaining, I hunkered down and KILLED it; almost 15,000 words in 5 days, and some of the best writing I’ve ever done. Maybe I need to put some artificial deadline on myself…
I need a nap, though.
“Meh” is definitely going around. This too shall pass… I hope.
Congrats on getting close to publishing the anthology. I’m looking forward to it.
Love the tune! Hadn’t jammed to the TH in a while.
I think it might be more than just “meh” for you, unfortunately.
Look for a sneak peek once the anthology is close to publication. I swear, this sneak peek will get people to buy it. It’s so good, when I read it, I didn’t even remember writing it, but I fell off my chair from laughing so hard. I let my wife read it, and when she was done wiping the tears from her face, she said, “You’re a sick bastard…this is the funniest thing you’ve ever written.” FUNNY, I TELL YOU!
Stay tuned!
Oooh, I could use some funny, Gus. Get off your meh ass and get that preview out! Uh, please and thank you.
In time, my dear, in time.