One of the things I truly enjoy about WordPress is its spam filtering systems. In previous online platforms where I’d blogged before, spam was an ever-present problem. Too often a rather serious blog was torment by invitations to meet sexy mail order brides from Russia, or an anonymous stranger selling me discount clothing or penis enhancing drugs. As such, the spam that flooded my comments meant me having to waste time deleting them from my precious blogs.

Thanks to Akismet, Out Where the Buses Don’t Run has been protected now from almost 1,000 spam messages. Not a single spam message has been populated into any of the Comments sections of any of the blogs I’ve posted here. Thank you, Akismet, for protecting me from spamalicious badness.

Still, I like to review my Spam folder from time to time. Akismet may once in a while mark someone’s comment as “spam” when it shouldn’t be; it hasn’t happened often, but it does happen every blue moon or so. But the ones Akismet does block are, to be honest, freaking hilarious.

So I thought I’d take a moment to go through some of my favorites in my queue right now and “reply” back to those comments.

Example #1

Dear Activer Far Cry 3 etc., you’re clearly a career felon with a prison education. 20 years in the slammer gave you plenty of time to read the library’s encyclopedia and brush up on your grammar and language. As such, you seem to be in a real hurry now to demonstrate how good you can speaks now. Thanks for responding to my blog. So what are you in prison for? When are you scheduled to be released? I’d like to know this so I can run as fast as I can from you once you’re out on the streets again.

Example #2

Hello, Blog! Greetings from my little corner of the Blogosphere! I’m so glad I was able to save you from yet another boring lunch break. What is it you do for work? Does your employer not provide you with a computer from which you can surf the Internet (and find my blog, for example) and waste valuable company resources? I ask because, as you are no doubt aware, 3G data plans from most cell phone providers can be pretty expensive, and you’ll exhaust your data plan limits pretty quickly just by hanging out in places like WordPress or Tumblr, where it seems your “blog” is coming from. Just looking out for you.

Example #3

Precious Traum watchseinfeldonline.org x Spinney5169@gmail.com 74.63.233.247

Submitted on 2013/01/07 at 9:06 am Pretty section of content. I just stumbled upon your web site and in accession capital to assert that I acquire in fact enjoyed account your blog posts. Anyway I will be subscribing to your augment and even I achievement you access consistently rapidly. Not Spam | Delete Permanently

Dear Precious Traum, are you serving time with Activer Far Cry 3? Did you borrow the same encyclopedia? Glad to know my tax dollars are educating the felon class…

I kid. I kid. Please don’t kill me.

Example #4

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Borat, is that you?

Example #5

Listen up, Brian: I don’t do political blogs anymore. Take this shit to Open Salon. They’ll eat this crap up easily there. Leave the politics out of my blog, pretty please.

Example #6

Yes, it’s called Not Being on the Internet.

Also, your name confuses me. Is your name Penny Stock, and you’re hot, or are you some generic site peddling penny stocks that are so hot right now that if I invest $10, I’ll make $11.25 before nightfall? Clarify this for me, won’t you?

And, finally, when checking my stats, I like to see what kind of searches lead someone to find my blog. The search string I highlighted below left me with a massive case of “what the fuck?” Because I had no idea the great tenor harbored such hate like this…